What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 16:50
So, i spoilt her more .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
I don,t even have a pension.
Why would Joseph Smith say that polygamy was God's law?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My life is so biszare .
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
How do you know when your skirt is too short?
Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Can you list every album you have ever listened to?
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I said to her
What are some effective ways to cope with loss and grief?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Comes on , in middle age.
She found it foreign!.
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
All the time i was locked up.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But, we were locked up after school.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I will be 64.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was scared of men, in general
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I never cut or harmed myself..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I could never make a relationship work though!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We all went to grammer schools
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He knew the spot.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
This is soul school!.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it wasn’t much.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I waited trembling.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.